Is Santa A
Woman?
I think Santa
Claus is a woman....
I hate to be the
one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is
a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time
believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the
vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas
Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until
3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and
plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall,
they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and
mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a
fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because
it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.)
On this count
alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in
the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia
Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem
for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer
because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of
the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended.
Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male
Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he
would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to
stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be
unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Mike Holmes-like Santa would stop
to inspect and re-point bricks in the flue. He would also need to check on
carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas
tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why
Santa can't possibly be a man: - Men can't pack a bag. - Men would rather be
dead than caught wearing red velvet. - Men would feel their masculinity is
threatened...having to be seen with all those elves. - Men don't answer their
mail. - Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest
as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." - Men aren't
interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. - Finally, being
responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact
that other mythical holiday characters are men......... Father Time shows up
once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around
carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one
of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St.
Nick. Not a chance.
As long as we have
each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of
"The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender
Santa is. I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!
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