When Fifty Shades
of Grey came out, I heard about it but never opened the book. I never even
skimmed it. I have friends who have and have filled me in. I thought it was a
fantasy book about a guy with some crazy desires for some violent sex. I was
blown away to learn it sold 100 million copies, and when the movie grossed $260
million worldwide this weekend, I became even more fascinated.
So I went to see the
movie. I went with my wife, to the noon showing at the mall by our house. It
was packed. I can’t believe how many people were seeing this movie on a
Wednesday afternoon.
So what’d I think?
I didn’t hate the movie.
I did hate Christian Grey.
I didn’t hate the movie.
I did hate Christian Grey.
I didn’t walk out or
picket, but I watched the whole movie because I wanted to better understand why
this has resonated with so many. Why is Christian Grey someone that women are
cheering on and fantasizing about?
As I write this, the
movie finished two hours ago, and I’m still upset over what I just saw. Not
some young woman being tied up, but Christian Grey himself. Let me explain.
- Marriage only works when both sides give and both sides
take, and sex is the same way. Men and women have needs and desires, and
marriage and the marriage bed is a place to have those fulfilled. If you are
with someone and they don’t take into consideration your needs and only demand
things from you, then get the heck out of that relationship if you’re dating.
If you’re married, then head to a counselor.
- Most people who abuse others were abused as children. The
best available research suggest that 75% or more of those who commit acts of
sexual or physical abuse against others were themselves abused as children.
Christian Grey was abused as a child, a horrendous act that he never got over
or dealt with or talked with anyone about. This has led him to some serious
walls that have gone up in his life. And the only way he knows how to deal with
it is to abuse someone else. He has done this to over 15 women and will
continue. I heard this story was about sex, but this story at its core is about
a broken man and his inability to love and be loved. How do people reading this
book or watching this movie not see this? This is not a love story. This is
not even an erotic story. This is a story of broken people continuing a
cycle of dysfunction in their lives rather than dealing with their issues.
- The Bible says I have the right to do anything, but not
everything is beneficial. I am not against being playful or doing things to
spice up things in your bedroom, but the question I always have is why? Why do
you think you need that? If both people agree to try different things in the
bedroom, I am all for that. Christian Grey, on the other hand, is dealing with
his pain by inflicting pain onto someone else who is visibility uncomfortable
with it. He has trouble at work one day, so he sends Anastasia to the “play
room” to take out his frustrations on her. If your partner is asking you to do
something or try something new in the bedroom, my advice to you would be to ask
why. The reason behind the ask is the deeper issue than the act itself. In a
lot of cases it might just be a fun thing – or it might be a case like
Christian Grey where he wants to avoid dealing with his own pain.
Many people won’t understand this, but because I’ve seen the
inner workings of the adult industry, this movie didn’t turn me on – it made
me mad. The sex shown in the movie is violent and not love-making, and I
don’t understand how 100 million people can read this book and think there is
anything sexy about Mr. Christian Grey. If he was broke, ugly, and had a hard
drive of porn instead of a “playroom” in his house, every women reading this
would be freaked out enough to stay away from him forever. The books and movie
have painted a sick disturbed man as a sex symbol that many, many women have
gone crazy over.
If you haven’t seen the movie or read the books, don’t.
Instead of wasting that time examining this unhealthy dynamic, spend those
hours talking with your spouse about sex. Talk about what you desire, what you
think is missing. What your history with sex was. How you missed or messed up
or abused sex prior to marriage. Talk about your expectations for sex and
whether they’re being met or not. Don’t know how to start those conversations?
We have a course called bestsexlifenow.com;
watch the first video for free, and I assure you it will lead to so many
productive conversations. Maybe even fifty of them.
God Bless,
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